THE VACUUM KISS
Recommended in the 1936 manual The Art of Kissing, the Vacuum Kiss is performed by "sucking inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange." The powerful suction on the lips requires that the kiss must be brief. Be advised that when the lips have wearied, they should not be torn suddenly apart, or a loud smack will startle others nearby. Instead, gently loosen a corner of the mouth to release a faint hissing. If the kiss has been performed correctly, the manual notes, "a delicious sense of torpor will creep over your entire body, giving a lassitude that is almost beatific."
THE BUTTERFLY FLUTTER
Place your eye within a breath of your partner's cheek. Open and close your eyelids against her skin. If this is done correctly, the flutter sensation on her cheek should match the one in her heart.
THE EARLOBE LAP
You will do well to experiment with little sips of the lobe, but great control is recommended to avoid loud slurping--the erogenous ear is also an especially sensitized noise detectors. (Take care not to swallow any earrings.)
THE TALKING KISS
Sweet nothings whispered into the mouth are sweeter than those whispered into the ear, because the mouth is the preferred organ for tasting. If caught in the act, simply say, as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."
THE SPYING KISS
To determine whether you mate has drunk an overabundance of wine.
THE HAND KISS
Historically, the Hand Kiss, with its required bow of subordination, showed deference to a lady. If a male was too superior to lower himself, he simply raised the woman's hand to his mouth. Since the Hand Kiss had now fallen out of fashion, it makes an unexpected romantic impression. To perform it correctly, lower your eyes and cup shoulders over the lady's fingers, prolonging the moment when your lips rest on her hand. You will know the kiss has made its mark if the receiver avoids washing for several days to make sure the warm sensation stays sealed where your lips have placed it.
THE BUMPER KISS
Effective when following your lover in a separate car. Wait till he stops his vehicle at a traffic light, then gently ease your car up to his and nudge his bumper. The jolt will jump-start his heart and suggest more intimate nuzzlings to come. (Warning: Do not use the Bumper Kiss on the vehicle of an unknown driver.)
THE SURPRISE KISS
This kiss takes place inadvertently during a parlor game called "Suck and Blow." To begin, gather men and women in a circle and try passing a playing card from mouth to mouth by first inhaling to receive the card and then exhaling to pass the card to the person. If the pass is successful, you will be left feeling pleasantly light headed. I the pass is unsuccessful, the card will slip, leaving your lips pressed to those of your unsuspecting neighbor. (To cheat at this game, simply position yourself beside someone you would like to kiss and pretend you're having trouble mastering the technique.)
THE BLOWN KISS
In the book Is Sex Necessary? James Thurber and E.B. White contend that many men "would be perfectly willing to express their eroticism if it could be done at a reasonable distance--say fifty paces." For such frigid types, kissing, of course, presents a problem. They will find the Blown Kiss to be the most satisfactory.
THE MISTLETOE KISS
Useful for those to shy to make the leap toward a potential lover's lips without a visible excuse.
THE FOREHEAD KISS
Zoologist Desmond Morris claims that the Forehead Kiss is seen as mock-parental since a mother or father will often comfort a child with a kiss to the crown of head.
THE ESKIMO KISS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo Kiss is not done merely to keep the lips from freezing together. In fact, some tribes in hot African countries rub or press noses in greeting and use a word for "kiss" that means "smell." In Malaysia, Charles Darwin reported the following: "The woman squatted with their faces upturned; my attendants stood leaning over them, laid the bridge of their noses at right angles over theirs, and commenced rubbing. It lasted somewhat longer than a hearty handshake with us. During this process they uttered a grunt of satisfaction."
THE HICKEY KISS
It may take some practice to create a personalized hickey in the shape of, say, your favorite sailing ship. No need to get fancy. The main objective is simply to avoid drawing blood while leaving your mark that will prove to your sweetheart (and all her girlfriends) that last night's interlude was not a dream.
THE ELECTRIC KISS
Choose a partner. Turn the lights low. Shuffle wildly across the carpet until you've neared your partner in a sufficiently charged state. Lean slowly toward him, so that your lips are the first body parts to touch. Sparks will fly in the darkness. Avoid the natural inclination to pull away. After becoming accustomed to the shock, you may be inclined to increase the voltage with a battery-powered device or an electric socket. Resist the Temptation.
THE FRENCH KISS
Some call this "The Soul Kiss," because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this "The English Kiss."
THE AUNT SALLY SPECIAL
A hearty smack to the cheek, done with puckered, slobbery, lipstick lips. The female kisser should employ the Aunt Sally Special when a sobering note is needed during an escalating affair. If done right, this smooch will cause your partner to stop and wipe the spit of his cheek, which, in turn, will allow you to fix your hair and adjust your skirt. After a calming rest period, relations may resume.
THE FOOT KISS
People with ticklish feet will find the Foot Kiss quite funny, but just relax and enjoy it. Afterward, and extra touch of romance can be added by sending a little note signed "QBSP" (Quien besa su pie--"Who kisses your feet"), which once was the fashionable line with which to close correspondence in Spain.
THE NIP KISS
"Naturally, in the nip kiss the kisser is not supposed to open his mouth like the maw of a lion and then sink his fangs into the delicate flesh of the kissee," we are told in The Art of Kissing. "The procedure is the same as the ordinary kiss except that, instead of closing your lips with the kiss, you leave them slightly open, as though you were going to nibble on a delicious tidbit."
THE MARATHON MAKE-OUT KISS
In the words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, it is "as long and silent as the ecstatic might."
THE LAST KISS
In ancient Rome, custom had it that the Last Kiss would capture the soul of a dying man and keep it alive in the lips of his lover.
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